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On Thinking and Feeling

Bombarded by all of the thoughts and emotions that have become the fabric of life over the last three weeks, I am wondering aloud:

Which is more difficult… changing our THOUGHTS or changing our FEELINGS?

George Floyd

I find that they are both extremely difficult to change, but as events have unfolded, I am realizing that I need to be changing BOTH as a result of the murder of George Floyd and the naming of others who have become victimized in a world plagued by systemic racism.

I Used to Think That…..

  • …….ALL lives matter
  • …… I understood the meaning of white privilege
  • …….I wasn’t racist
  • …… I knew how it felt to be discriminated against
  • …… the American flag was the symbol that unified, not divided
  • …… law enforcement people were our friends (except for “a few bad apples”)
  • …….criminal justice was (for the most part) fairly and equally applied
  • …….the intense violent and destructive anger expressed by many in Black America was often unjustified.

I have learned to use my anger for good. . . . Without it, we would not be motivated to rise to a challenge. It is an energy that compels us to define what is just and unjust.

Gandhi

You may have seen the video of Kimberly Jones. It made me feel very uncomfortable to watch yet mind-changing to experience. The discomfort stemmed from the fact that I am the “you” who is the target of the intense anger she is showing.

By nature I am a person who tries to avoid the feeling of anger, either mine or someone else’s. I would be hesitant to describe myself as an angry person or one capable of expressing it openly or often. But through the experiences of the last weeks I am coming to see the importance of expressing anger, and seeing the possible positive outcomes when it is channeled honestly and openly.

Father Richard Rohr speaks of it in a daily meditation:


Contemplating Anger
Tuesday,  June 9, 2020

He writes:

Today my colleague and {Center for Action and Contemplation} faculty member Barbara Holmes shares reflections on a “theology of anger.” Her words are challenging for white Americans like myself, but an important stage of contemplative solidarity is the ability to set aside our own opinions to listen with an open heart to the pain of the marginalized. I hope we can hear Dr. Holmes’s wisdom and desire for healing from the wounds of racism.

We all need a way to channel and reconcile our anger with our faith. . . . A theology of anger [for communities under siege] assumes that anger as a response to injustice is spiritually healthy. My intent is to highlight three ways that anger can contribute to spiritual restoration.

First, a theology of anger invites us to wake up from the hypnotic influences of unrelenting oppression so that individuals and communities can shake off the shackles of denial, resignation, and nihilism. . . . Second, a theology of anger can help us to construct healthy boundaries. Finally, the healthy expression of righteous anger can translate communal despair into compassionate action and justice-seeking. . . . The question is whether or not we will recognize our wounds and the source of our anger so that we can heal ourselves and others, and awaken to our potential to embody the beloved community. . . .

Collective and productive anger redirects our attention to the everyday survival and healing of our own community. . . Sometimes the anger of black folks is resistance but, more often, it is grief. During a demonstration in Minneapolis, Minnesota, after the police shot an unarmed black man [in 2016], Pastor Danny Givens of Above Every Name Ministry, publicly and peacefully challenged the Governor of Minnesota. He shouted into a microphone:

Your people keep killing my people. You keep telling me that you are going to do something. I just want you to put some action on it, put some respect on our people’s names. . . . This isn’t black anger. This is black grief! [1]

Pastor Givens wanted the governor to understand that grief, anger, and black joy are hard to separate. At funerals of young people slain by the police, expressions of black joy are common. This is not “joy” in the ordinary sense of the word. . . . This is the communal performance of resistance and resilience through dancing and rhythmic movement. Funeral-car doors fly open, music is thumping, and the community dances its defiance of death and the society that produces it.

We are angry, we are grieving, we are performing black joy as a sign of our determination to survive.

[1] Morgan Winsor and Julia Jacobo, “Pastor Shouts at Governor: ‘This Is Black Grief,’ After Police Shooting of Minnesota Man,” ABC News (July 7, 2016). Available at http://abcnews.go.com/US/pastor-challenges-minnesota-gov-put-action-cop-shooting/story?id=40406186

Barbara A. Holmes, “Contemplating Anger,” “Anger,” Oneing, vol. 6, no. 1 (CAC Publishing: 2018), 21, 24–25.

…..But Now My Thinking is Changing

As I write I realize that I am dealing only with my thinking. Any time spent talking about anger focuses on my thoughts about Black anger, not my own. Perhaps this is another expression of white privilege: dealing with what I think about “their” anger. But how do I feel about these issues?

Which is more difficult… changing our THOUGHTS or changing our FEELINGS?

It’s hard to answer the question while dealing with only half of the equation. Perhaps a post on the second half of the question is long overdue!

Waiting for a Word

A Time of Turmoil

In this day of unbelievable turmoil, I have been waiting. I feel that I have been forced into an uncomfortable period of silence because I don’t know what to say.  It’s not that there is nothing to say, but rather the question is: how do I say it? How do I speak a word to situations that seem so inexplainable?

These last weeks have delivered the proverbial one-two punch. First, a pandemic that claims hundreds of thousands of lives worldwide, and then, the horrific death of George Floyd. Each cries out for an explanation. That seems to be what I long for the most.  An explanation.  A word that will attempt to fill the void caused by two huge areas of pain and helplessness.

CoronaVirus

They are issues that evoke very different explanations and responses to be sure. Covid seems much more clear and specific in our response:

  • Wash your hands
  • Stay at home
  • Maintain a safe social distance
  • Wear a mask

Actions that are not always unanimously accepted and followed, yet certainly clear and precise.

The Murder of George Floyd

But what is our explanation and response to the murder of George Floyd?

To me the explanation is much simpler than the needed response. The explanation can be stated in two words: SYSTEMIC RACISM.  This explanation has many expressions of inequality including distribution of wealth, employment, education, criminal justice, housing and healthcare to mention just a few. But this post is not a treatise on the realities of systemic racism and its many expressions in our society. It is rather one person’s need to respond to its reality.

As much as we feel as though we have made great progress in our attempts to address the issue of racism in our country, events of the past weeks demonstrate that it is still deeply entrenched in our society. So the question remains:  WHAT CAN WE DO? Or more specifically what can I do?

A Threefold Test

It has been many years since I stood in a pulpit and tried to address issues such as racism from a faith perspective, and I hate to get all biblical on you, but I cannot ignore what for me is the concise mandate that scripture presents regarding God’s desire for us in addressing this and all other aspects of living. This has always been my go-to passage:

(He) has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8 (New International Version)

I like the way Eugene Peterson paraphrases this verse in The Message:

     But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,
    what God is looking for in men and women.
It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
    be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously—
    take God seriously.

Micah 6:8 (The Message)

To me this is the three-fold expression of what God (Spirit, Higher Power,  Universal Presence, Divine Mother) asks of each of us in all things:

  •  to act justly
  •  to love mercy
  •  to walk humbly

In my seventy-two years I have never seen someone murdered in real time.  George Floyd was a first for me. And in that violent act of hatred I see the exact opposite of what God is asking of us. There was NO justice as one officer became judge, jury and executioner.  There was NO mercy expressed as in nine minutes George Floyd was robbed of breath and life.  There was NO humility as the one who took an oath to protect and serve chose to exercise only power and control over another soul while three other officers participated or looked on.

For me, who I attempt to BE, all that I SAY and all that I DO, this becomes a useful and practical three-fold test:

  • IS IT JUST?
  • IS IT MERCIFUL?
  • IS IT HUMBLE?

Is this the last or definitive word for me? No, because it lacks specificity.  It’s not the end, but hopefully a helpful start!

Ode to a Friend

The amazing American poet, Mary Oliver, once wrote:

“When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement”

Now Richard Brubaker was never a bride, but didn’t he live a life that was totally “married to amazement”!!! For “Bru” life was a source of constant “amazement”:

As a son he was amazed at the direction his life journey took after losing his father to polio when Richard was only eight years old.

As a scientist he was amazed at the intricate and miraculous working of the human body; especially the eye.

As a husband he was amazed that life provided him with a partner for 53 years after only a three week courtship.

In 2000 he retired at the ripe old age of 63; not because he had to, but because there just wasn’t time to do all the things that he felt he wanted and needed to do….he was “married to amazement”

There are many, many words that can be used to describe some of the activities and achievements in Richard’s life, but there is one term that not one or two, but many have used over the last few weeks to describe Bru. It is not a term that I have used, but others have:  “RENAISSANCE MAN,”defined as “a person with many talents or areas of knowledge”

Hmmmm….does it fit?  You tell me.

  • SON                                       
  • PHILANTHROPIST
  • BROTHER               
  • FARMER

He didn’t like weeds much. And he decided that if he got to know them better, he might love them more. So he took the pictures of many of the weeds that he disliked, and he made flash cards out of them as a way to get to know them.

Did he learn to love them?  I doubt it!  But it certainly changed his attitude toward them!

  • HUSBAND                            
  • SINGER He was a barbershopper; he sang for decades.
  • FATHER                                          
  • ROTARIAN
  • GRANDFATHER Only a loving grandfather would be willing to tell stories to his grandchildren on what to them seemed like interminable road trips using a road atlas as his primary source of inspiration!       
  • SCHOLAR
  • CLASSMATE Did you know that he was elected by his classmates to be the president of his class   at Harvard Medical school? Well…there was a meeting called one day for the purpose of electing a class president. Various nominations were made: I nominate (so-and-so) because he was a Rhodes scholar. I nominate (so-and-so) because she was #1 in her graduating class.    Finally, one student took to the floor and stated, “I nominate Richard Brubaker because he can whistle out of both sides of his mouth!” And he was elected unanimously by loud acclamation!  
  • ENTREPRENEUR                          
  • WRITER From works of fiction to hundreds of scholarly articles.
  • PHYSICIAN                         
  • ATHLETE An avid runner, even a marathoner for over 40 years. In his 50’s he took up ice hockey founding “The Eyes Hockey Team” which met every Wednesday night for 20 years.  He took up snowboarding in his 60’s.
  • SURGEON                           
  • MENTOR
  • RESEACHER INVENTOR/DESIGNER/BUILDER   (that’s one word)! After the “Cryo-extractor” I can’t begin to pronounce the others until we get to “Bike boats” and the patented “Bag Tamer” (which, by the way,  I use every week as I get ready to put out the trash!)
  • MUSICIAN In his 70’s he was inspired and encouraged to take up the soprano saxophone. (I’ll bet Nancy was happy that it wasn’t the accordion!    Maybe he was saving that for his 80’s! And that whistling out of both sides of his mouth?  It was in harmony! There are recordings to prove it!

But…..RENAISSANCE MAN?   Yeah….. I guess you’re right.

But to me….he was “Bru”

  • As a CREATIVE ARTIST
  • a WISE TEACHER
  • a FRIEND

And in those relationships, I learned a lot!

As a CREATIVE ARTIST it began as what one might call a “religious experience” in a church; not in the sanctuary, but on he other end of the building; in the fellowship hall.

It was 2014, and my wife Lori and I had just recently moved to Rochester. We were sitting, alone, having coffee after worship when a well-dressed, handsome man approached our table and introduced himself:

            “Hello…I’m Richard Brubaker”

Soon we were introduced to his wife Nancy.

Isn’t it interesting that some relationships can, in a short period of time, flourish.  While others, if ever…take years, to grow. This one was pretty much immediate.

A couple of Sundays passed. Once again it was after church, over coffee at the same table, but this time no introductions were necessary. I was lamenting the fact that we had lived in Oronoco for months now, yet there was still not even house numbers out front to identify our home.Bru said, “I have equipment that I use for cutting and welding metal. Maybe I could help you with that”  And soon….. there was a sign, now standing proudly at the end of our former driveway.

Several months passed. Again:  after church…over coffee…..at the same table…..I mentioned that we have a large, wall in our home that we would like to fill with a piece of art that reflects something of our stories together, Lori’s and mine.   Bru said, “Maybe I could help you with that”. And eventually, there was phone call.: “Could you and Lori come by the house.  I have a piece ready for you to see”.

On the way to the house we said to each other, “But what if we don’t like it? Then what do we do?” But sitting in their living room listening to Bru, the creative artist, read an explanation of his inspiration and the story behind the piece and its symbolism, both of us in were in tears.  We knew that this was a piece of art that we were going to love as much as we loved the artist.

We moved into the dining room where the art was hanging. Nancy was quick to add, “If you don’t like it I’ll keep it, because I love it”.

And today, “Ode to Joy” hangs in a place of honor in our home.

It is a lasting testament to a creative artist, along with the lesson that we, like him, are always to share our gifts lovingly and freely.

And as a WISE TEACHER?

Over the four years I knew him that was always clear, but never more clearly shown than in the last days before his death.  He talked openly and honestly about his diagnosis. In typical Bru fashion he could say: 

I DON’T LIKE THIS NEWS, BUT I AM GRATEFUL. MANY DO NOT KNOW HOW OR WHEN THEY WILL DIE. I DO. MANY DO NOT HAVE ALL OF THEIR ORIGINAL PARTS LIKE ORGANS OR HIPS OR KNEES, I DO. MANY DO NOT HAVE THE FULL USE OF A SOUND MIND. I DO. And with a glint in his eye he added:  FOR THE MOST PART!

He continued: IT’S BEEN QUITE A RIDE, AND IF THE QUESTION IS “DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS? THE ANSWER IS:  NONE. As one who lived life fully, he could say “I have no fear of death. ”That’s what I learned from the WISE TEACHER:  to share whatever wisdom one has humbly and honestly.

But perhaps the greatest truth that I received was not from the ARTIST or even the TEACHER…but from the FRIEND. I learned that our love must be shared freely and sincerely. Just days before his death he paid me perhaps the greatest compliment that anyone can ever give: He said:  “I’M GRATEFUL THAT YOU WALKED INTO MY LIFE.”

Mary Oliver also wrote:

To Live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it

go,

to let it go.

For “Bru” that time came when he gently and peacefully “let it go” But because his life was so “married to amazement”, our lives will never be the same.

“In Search of the Unicorn”

Living in a Time of Change

We are well into a moment of time when we are experiencing life as never anticipated or imagined. Working from anywhere other than home is seldom an option. No longer are we free to jump in the car and run a few errands without making detailed plans. We cannot meet up with our friends for a dinner out or stop for a glass of wine on our way home. There is no school as we came to know it. Worship takes place via Zoom. Entertainment is no longer as simple as buying a ticket and an overpriced bucket of popcorn. Have you noticed? Things have changed! And for a great majority of us…change is hard!

And when I am brutally honest with myself (and there are those rare moments!) I admit that I would rather “long for the good ‘ol days” than change. The way I often hear it expressed during the pandemic is in terms of “returning to normal” or arriving at a point where we can define and accept what “the new normal” will be. Sound familiar?

The Nonexistent “Normal”

Well…Newsflash…..”Normal” is a unicorn! It is imaginary! In Oxford’s terms, it is “…something that is highly desirable but difficult to find or obtain.”

Or, as Debra Jenkins put it: “There is absolutely no such thing as normal.  There is only one place in this whole world that you’re going to find normal, and that’s in your laundry room on the dial of your dryer because normal…it’s a dryer setting.” (TEDx Huntsville 9/25/2014).

So, if change is far too difficult for us, and “normal” is a myth, then what are we to do? Is despair the only alternative?

Though she may put it a bit more negatively than I would be willing to state it, poet and activist Sonya Renee Taylor speaks truth when she says,

We will not go back to normal. Normal never was. Our pre-corona existence was not normal other than we normalized greed, inequity, exhaustion, depletion, extraction, disconnection, confusion, rage, hoarding, hate and lack. We should not long to return, my friends. We are being given the opportunity to stitch a new garment. One that fits all humanity and nature.”

We are all too willing to let the pundits and professionals determine for us what normal is and what the new normal will be. In their speculation we are looking to find a sense of reassurance and confidence.

Creating the Normal

But I believe that the answer lies in our commitment to embrace the future as perhaps a once in a lifetime opportunity. To affirm that WE are the artists and architects of what will be “the new normal.”  WE are the tailors of the new garment called the future, and together WE create it, one stitch at a time. We must not allow others to determine for us what is our unique “normal” for what is normal is as distinct and different as we are. Our value lies not in the conformity to the “normal” that we share, but in the differences that make us unique. It is only then that normal becomes a unicorn of our own making.

“These are the Times…..”

“These are the times that try [our] souls”

– Thomas Paine

I doubt that he had envisioned COVID-19 when Thomas Payne penned these words in 1776, but as we scan our landscape with a 2020 perspective, we sense that this statement was and is quite prophetic. Our souls (along with our patience, creativity, endurance and hope!) are being tried. As a result our respective worlds have been turned upside down.
I have no great need to identify the many ways those worlds have been affected…nor do you. But to say that ours is a different world than the one given to us at the birth of the new year is an understatement! You can fill in the blanks…

Differences in Effect


I also know that there are those who are “tried” more than I. They are real. They are people of color. They are unemployed or unemployable. They are poor. They are sick, infected and yet untested. They are frail. They are the healthcare providers and first responders of every kind. They are “essential” service providers. They are teachers. They are young and dependent. They are old and equally as dependent. They are homeless, incarcerated, facing mental, emotional, spiritual and physical challenges. They are lonely. And the list goes on. You know that. So do I.
What is inconvenience to me may be life or death to another.
What may change in a week or a month or a year from now for me, may be a life sentence for another.
But even if there are others unnamed, they are not un-thought of. Our complex world has become very small… overnight! “THEY” are not the others…”THEY” are us. We do not act or even think alone, for our thoughts and actions affect those around us, be they in our own household or in countries we cannot identify or even name. We do not think or act alone, for our thoughts and actions have a direct effect on each other. It is not “Them”…it is “Us”

Summer Soldiers and Sunshine Patriots

Payne’s opening is followed by words less familiar but certain in their beauty and truth:


“The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value.


I confess my lack of objectivity. I am, by our country’s definition, among the most vulnerable:


I am a senior…seventy two years old
I have a pre-existing health condition…heart disease
I am immuno-compromised…my system cannot fight infection as effectively as many because I take medication due to an organ transplant
Many share this kind of vulnerability. But I hope that I give voice to a larger part of our world… not just the most vulnerable.


Today, in Payne’s terms, is not the day for the “summer soldier” or the “sunshine patriot”. It is a day when we put aside partisan politics and ego. It is a day when those around us must become the recipients of our greatest concern and highest good.
Open up!
Listen up!
Care!
Be safe!
…and be well!

Thom